Chicks Dig the Long Ball

Chicks Dig the Long Ball

by Mark Luedtke

In the wake of the Mitchell report, talking heads swamped us with stories about performance enhancing drugs in baseball, but this recent headline from the LA Times didn't get much notice: “Drugs to build up that mental muscle. Academics, musicians, even poker champs use pills to sharpen their minds, legally. Labs race to develop even more.” According to the article, corporate executives and students take these drugs to enhance their natural abilities. A memory enhancement pill is right around the corner.

What person who uses their brain in their profession wouldn't take a memory pill that was developed and tested for safety then marketed by a reputable pharmaceutical company?

Personal success is the motivation that drove Americans to build the greatest country the world has ever known, and to be successful, we have to outperform our competition. One of America's traditional strengths is the ease with which we adapt new technologies to our advantage. From the local gymnasium to web-based education, Americans develop technology to improve individual performance, then we embrace that technology, become more competitive and more successful, and move on to develop new technologies to continue the process.

When the memory pill goes on sale, CEOs and scientists, doctors and lawyers, and politicians and pundits will line up like children to sit on Santa's lap. But if baseball players take steroids, we publicly flog them and threaten to take away their accomplishments.

The Mitchell report confirmed what we knew all along. Pretty much everybody in baseball, like all professional sports, is using steroids. Because they're banned, it's cheating. I'm happy to see media darling Roger Clemens knocked off his pedestal. Any intellectually honest observer realized long ago he was juicing just like media whipping boy Barry Bonds.

Now that this controversy is out in the open, we can debate the real issue we should have debated originally: should steroids be banned. The only difference between mental enhancement drugs and steroids is that steroids are illegal. The only reason these players are cheaters and the talking heads are wringing their hands is steroids are illegal. Why?

Common knowledge says steroids are dangerous, but that's only because they're illegal. It's circular logic. If steroids were legal, the pharmaceutical giants would make them safe, effective, and immensely profitable faster than the FDA could fill out the paperwork. And how dangerous are steroids really? Baseball players take plenty of steroids and remain healthy. Doctors prescribe steroids to help heal injuries. Too much steak clogs our arteries, shortens our lives, and can lead to heart attacks, but we take cholesterol pills to fix that.

Commissioner of Baseball Bud Selig and scores of sportswriters tell us that steroids are banned to protect “the integrity of the game” which is about fair play, but legal steroids wouldn't affect the integrity of the game.

During Baseball's storied history, teams have raised and lowered the mound, cut their grass short or long, shaved the grass on the lines to push bunts fair or foul. Teams steal each others' signs, try to manipulate the umpires, and find every way they can to gain an edge to win. All this is condoned because both teams play on that same field in a fair competition.

In contrast, Baseball's biggest concern is gambling, because gambling can lead to players throwing games. In that case, the conditions on the field aren't the same for both teams. By banning steroids, Baseball has created the unfair competition on the field it most fears - some players have improved their performance with steroids and others have not. The only way for Baseball to restore fair play and therefore to restore the integrity of the game is to legalize steroids.

But when Bud Selig and the sports pundits talk about the integrity of the game, they're really talking about the integrity of records. These talking heads think of Baseball as a Norman Rockwell painting or a snow globe that captures their romanticized snapshot of the game. That's a fantasy. Players play in different home ballparks, which are shrinking almost as fast as our freedoms. Ballparks, divisional competition, line-ups, training techniques and nutrition already affect the integrity of the records. Singling out steroids is disingenuous. They might as well ban playing in Colorado's thin air. The record books and Hall of Fame should simply document the many changes in the game, including steroids.

Performance enhancing drugs aren't going away. Steroids powered the home run race between McGuire and Sosa that brought fans back to the game. Home runs keep fans buying tickets. It's human nature for the players to want to be the best they can be. Baseball wants to make the most money it can. So because steroids are illegal, we're stuck with duplicitous Baseball sanctimoniously decrying steroids in public while looking the other way in private. The back alley chemists and Baseball testers compete in a perpetual arms race. We're teaching our children to search out steroids on the black market and take them without supervision. This steroid ban hurts kids and undermines society and the rule of law.

When Baseball executives, managers and sportswriters start popping memory pills, will they laugh at their own hypocrisy? Baseball is trying to teach us another important lesson about life – freedom is always the right answer. We should apply that lesson to every social problem. Steroids should be legal for the benefit of individuals and society.